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说说心理咨询那些事

19/11/2018

作者: 王子薇-WelcomeHome 心理咨询师

作为一个心理咨询师，今天我想说说什么是心理咨询。十几年前高考报考专业的时候家人希望我学医，我说不行，我晕血，我说不然我当个心理医生吧，也是医生啊。家人笑笑没说什么。没想到当年的一句玩笑话如今却真的成为了我的职业。大学快毕业那年，我去了一家医院的心理科实习，可是到了才发现怎么现实和老师教的不一样啊？！老师说咨询中建立咨询关系很重要，要倾听你的咨询对象，要体验对方的情绪情感，要运用同理心支持和理解咨询对象。怎么到了现实中一切都变成了冷冰冰的量表，和一粒粒的百忧解（抗抑郁药），每个病人不超过10分钟就搞定了？后来我才慢慢明白，这里是医院，大夫给病人看的是器质性疾病，也就是用药物控制大脑和身体从而产生身体机能的变化，比如，如果你太亢奋，开点药让您镇静下来，如果你太难过，开点药让你神经大条，感觉不到太多情绪。然而这听上去简单有效的方法却是一种被动性的改变，虽然能暂时解决问题，却会容易让我们产生对药物的依赖，并且可能会有副作用，比如，感觉不到难过的你，也同样感觉不到快乐。后来，离开医院的我，义无反顾地走上了心理咨询的道路，因为心理咨询不同，虽然他的成效没有药物治疗直接有效，但是它可以让咨询对象有主动意愿的改变，一但我们的大脑学会了应对方法，就像是我们掌握了一个技能，长期有效并且没有后遗症。
这里说说几个常见的我们对心理咨询的误解：

我青春期的孩子要出国了-亲子沟通那些事儿

27/8/2017

青春期的孩子是最难搞的！最近经常听到这样的抱怨。我家孩子现在不知道要怎么和TA沟通，我说什么都不对，做什么都不对，真不知道TA到底在想些什么！是啊，不管是作为家长，老师，或者是咨询师的我都觉得12-18岁，这个年龄段的孩子在沟通和交流上是要“小心翼翼”的，生怕一不小心伤了孩子，或者变成一场不可收场的悲剧，最终造成永久性的关系破裂。

    心理学上我们称这种现象为第三叛逆期，或青春期叛逆期。或许您早就听说过叛逆期这个词，顾名思义，叛逆期也就是说什么都要和您唱反调的阶段，也是为什么是亲子沟通中最难搞的一个阶段。而对于这个年龄段远离父母，他乡求学的莘莘学子们来说，这里的亲子关系更变得难上加难。这里我们来说说作为家长的我们要来如何应对这个问题。

    首先，我想说明，有效的亲子沟通，不是简单地问候和事无巨细的谆谆教导，更重要的是有意识地引导和培养孩子的独立意识和能力。所以这里的重点是引导和培养。很多家长觉得我是“大人”，他是孩子，孩子是属于我的。这种潜意识中存在的高姿态，是造成亲子关系问题中，最大的问题之一。也许在这之前，指导，教导式的沟通方式看上去是有效，甚至是高效的。但是当孩子到了青春叛逆期，这种直接式的教导反而会起到反作用。原因很简单，因为您心目中的“孩子”要成为和您一样的“大人了”。也就是说，高姿态不管用了，平等才是王道。这个阶段孩子的心理状态在转变是自然生长原则，而对作为家长的我们来说，则需要有意识地转变自己的心态，接受孩子的“成长”。

    其次，不知道您是否意识到，其实沟通的形式有很多种。除了我们最常用的有直接的语言沟通，更有非语言的间接沟通。孩子和家长报备每天的行程是一种沟通，但他们每一个眼神，动作，语气姿态也同样是一种沟通。反之亦然。我们的一颦一笑，一举一动都是与孩子的一种沟通。所以，如果您觉得语言上说不通，不如试试其他方式，只要对方能接受到您的意愿，对对方有所影响，这都是有效的沟通。下面说说针对出国留学孩子的亲子沟通。
小A是我在英国认识的一个女孩,17岁。刚来英国的时候是全家老小一起保驾护航送来的。行李大大小小有几十件，直接把小小的宿舍塞得是基本进屋就要上床的地步。家人们在的这一周，每天早中晚轮流来宿舍给小A洗衣、做饭、收拾房间。小A 呢，就很自在地躺在床上玩手机，看电影，过得挺开心。她说不觉得自己出国了，和国内没什么差别。一周后，家人回国了，留下小A一个人，还有从国内带来的各种家用电器，和一冰箱的爸妈走之前做好的饭菜。可是渐渐地差别出现了。前一个月，她过得特别开心，觉得终于离开了父母的唠叨，可以想做什么就做什么了。趁着没开学，她每天出去逛街，每天和父母至少视频一次，微信是除了时差外一刻不断地和父母分享着自己的点点滴滴。远在国内的父母也很耐心，很开心女儿对自己的信任和依赖，事无巨细地告诉女儿该做这个，不该做那个，等等。感觉关系好像比在国内的时候关系还更亲近了似的。可是好景不长，一个月后，女儿的微信回复少了、慢了。视频电话也是隔三差五的才来一次，说话时候更是心不在焉，支支吾吾，唯一说的最多的就是，我要退学，我要回家。感觉到了女儿的不对劲，妈妈着急了，可是远在中国也是心有余了力不足，好话说尽，也不能改变小A要退学的念头。于是找到了我。和小A聊过了才知道，原来她厌烦了。家人走的一个月后,她很快吃光了冰箱里爸妈留下的饭菜，也逛够了学校周围的小镇，吃够了周边大小的洋快餐，然后她茫然了。小A的宿舍已经乱成一团，本来就剩下不多的地方现在更是被各种杂物，垃圾和脏衣服堆得满满的。而开学后越来越多的事情让小A突然觉得手足无措，她找不到自己上课的地点，没有认识的新朋友，语言文化的差异让她觉得自己和周边的世界格格不入。生活，学习的压力和焦虑让她很想家，很想爸妈。她哭着和我说，我不要上学了，你帮我买机票送我回家吧。

    正在青春期的孩子是任性的，或者说有点自私的。他们有着自己强烈的愿望，并不顾一切地要去实现。但是，他们需要先学会承担结果的代价。与其说是叛逆，我觉得不如说是挣扎和凤凰涅槃的时期。他们挣扎着要变成“大人”，努力着要独立，自由。然而他们真的准备好了么？很多中国的孩子和小A 是一个问题，就是他们是自相矛盾的。一方面，孩子心理本能地要变得更加成熟，要独立，然而现实却是心有余而力不足。有多少十五六岁中国的孩子有能力照顾自己的起居？做简单的饭菜？给自己洗衣服？这些自理能力和独立意识的培养，应该是我们家长的责任和义务。即使是寄宿在国外家庭中，也不应该指望当地的家庭可以提供和自己一样对孩子的“服务”。相比于国外的孩子，小A的生活自理能力是幼儿园的水平。

    也许您会说我的孩子会做饭，会照顾自己，但是这样就够了吗？至少我说，要想开心顺利地从国外的学校毕业，这还是远远不够的。小A的问题不是简单地学会洗衣做饭，照料自己的生活起居，她更大的问题是内心不够强大和独立，或者说，心智还不够成熟。而这些才是作为家长要与孩子的沟通重点。如果小A的妈妈不是每天事无巨细地问着生活琐事，而把重点放在她的感受和变化上，也许结果会有很大不同。如果妈妈能够引导小A 在生活学习中做出自己的选择，并让她自己承担后果，而不是简单地告诉她该做什么，不该做什么。那小A现在不会这么茫然。心理学上孩子对父母的依恋情节在两岁后就应该慢慢脱离，这里既包括生理上的，也包括心理上的。也就是说，两岁后，家长就应该有意识地培养孩子的独立自主能力，让TA能成为一个独立的个体。如果您之前没有有意识地培养，那么从现在开始也不晚。对于要送孩子出国的家长，我有几点建议：

1）学会放手。不要每天电话电信轰炸。适当地保持联系，和孩子保持一定“距离”。    如果您习惯了和孩子每天抬头不见低头见，现在孩子出国了，物理上的距离是不得不保持的，但心理上的距离是否也有呢？距离的重要性在于，他给予您与孩子一定的私人空间，这对于孩子的独立能力的培养是必不可少的，而对于孩子尽快适应留学生活更是至关重要的。所以，您首先要做的是把孩子在自己生活中的比重降低。只有您先独立了，孩子才能独立。要相信孩子有足够的能力照顾好自己，或有能力学会照顾自己。

2) 有效沟通要先学会倾听
    很多家长和孩子打电话，孩子说不了两句，全是父母在讲。父母会主观性地觉得事情应该是这样的。然后给自己的意见建议。所以我说，引导最重要，良好的沟通是先要听明白孩子讲话背后的目的是什么。您会发现，很多时候叛逆期的孩子不会直接告诉你她的感受、想法，而是会给您讲一些其他的事情，比如，她会说今天朋友叫我出去玩，但是我不想去….这背后意思其实是需要你的关注或安慰，您要做的是听孩子把事情讲完，感受她的感受，是伤心、难过、委屈…？然后适当地给予情感上的支持与鼓励。切记不是停留在事情表面，指责，责备或者简单地给予解决方案，这样做只会让孩子离你越来越远，最后拒绝和你说话。如果家长能够在孩子间接表达感情需求的时候，及时给予正面的支持和回应，那么孩子会慢慢建立起积极的意识，积累正能量。

3)出国前为孩子做好充分的心理准备
    刚刚说了要您放手，但是放手的前提是，出国前孩子已经做好了准备。这里除了经济上，学习上的准备，更重要的是良好的心理建设。孩子应该明白，留学不是游学，不是短时间的旅游。除了新鲜有趣的事物，更有压力，挫折和不适应。父母、亲戚、朋友都不在身边，自己要对自己负责。没有了国内爸妈、老师的唠叨和一刻不停的督促，孩子是否能够自觉的安排好自己的时间、生活和学习？良好独立意识和习惯是从现在就要开始培养的。
    关于沟通要说的有很多。以后我会慢慢来和大家聊。在英国这几年见到了很多留学生，很多很开心，更有很多不开心。希望能尽我所力帮助到大家。希望每个孩子都能顺利毕业，成长，成为自己想成为的人。

如果您有什么想和我分享的，可以发邮件至：ziwei.wang@welcomehomeuk.com

留学生心理咨询

30/5/2017

时间飞逝，转眼在英国做心理咨询已经将近4年了。这四年中，我接触了很多背井离乡，怀揣憧憬，希望和美好的留学生，也听了很多他们跌宕起伏，失落，难过，沮丧的故事。我会陪他们一起哭，一起笑，一起跌倒，一起成长。咨询中总会有过去不去的砍，停滞不前，彼此都很纠结。但每当我们一起努力走过，我都会有种地为他们感到骄傲和自豪。同时，自己也会由衷的欣慰和开心。

作为一个曾经的留学生，我发现留学生是一个需要被格外被关注和照顾的群体，除了年龄小，社会经验少，更有语言文化的障碍，背井离乡，孤独和想家的问题，加上学业压力大，社交圈子小，还有经济条件的限制，等等这些种种都有可能造成海外留学生极大的困扰。
近期的新闻媒体不断报出留学生被欺凌，抑郁，自杀的消息，让我这个在海外做心理咨询的咨询师觉得无比的悲哀。为了让这些悲剧不再重演，我们紧急联系了中国驻英大使馆，希望能把留学生的心理健康问题提上日程。同时我们也决定把留学生心理咨询作为我们现在咨询的重点。我希望能用我门的专业知识和经验来帮助更多人走出阴郁，重新找到希望和动力。
不管你在什么地方，如果你觉得不开心，孤独很无助，觉得没有地方倾诉，不要一个人想不开，记得可以来找我聊聊。我虽然没有神力让你的世界瞬间变得美好，但是我愿意陪着你一起走出阴霾。
如果你愿意相信我，可以给我发邮件：ziwei.wang@welcomehomeuk.com 或者我们的微信：welcomehomesp来预约咨询或询问相关的问题。我的咨询方式可以是skype或面对面（如果你在爱丁堡或周边），咨询为每节50分钟，学生价30英镑或300元。

另外，如果您身边有不开心，难过，焦虑的朋友，记得把我的邮箱或微信转给对方，希望在他们（她们）需要的时候，有地方可以寻求帮助。

谢谢！真心希望每一个海外学子都能有一段健康，开心又有意义的留学体验。

此致
敬礼！

王子薇

WelcomeHome Multi-language Support 创始人
留学生心理咨询师

AN UNFAMILIAR LAND/ 陌生之地

4/4/2016

By Beautiful stranger
“Find yourself wherever you are！

作者：美丽陌生人：
“无论身在何方，记得做自己！”

“Without Stillness, Life is a Blur”

The beauty of being surrounded by the foreign slaps me on the face everyday and I realize I can’t take anything for granted. Part of being a stranger is to be curious about the world and the people living on it. I’ve learnt to have more openness and acceptance of differences in people and places, and to share my life, my likes and dislikes with others. It is a fact that living in a cross-cultured place have had a deep effect on my sense of self and my perception of everything: language, culture, space… I’ve even modified my thinking process while speaking or writing as my mother language is Spanish, not English.

As a foreign I had to adapt to so many new things: food, weather, clothing, even smells and colours. And I must say, the adaptation process is not always easy, it comes along frustration and depression sometimes. As humans we tend to find comfort in the familiar things, and when we don’t have this it provokes distress. But as I always say, it all depends upon how you look at it, and what I’d recommend is to embrace discomfort. Sometimes I got to say, I had to push myself into doing new things, and talk to new people, even if I was terrified; but I’ve learnt that in situations like this creativity is our most powerful tool to overcome an awkward loneliness.

“没有坚持，生活只是虚无”

每天，我都在收集着生活在一座陌生城市的美好点滴，但是我也意识到自己的承受能力的局限性。作为一个城市的陌生人，有很大一部分工作是对陌生环境及当地的人们生活的好奇与探索。我也终于试着勇敢地敞开心扉，接受身边的不同，并与他人分享着自己的所想所觉。渐渐地我开始意识到这座充满着不同文化的地方深深地影响和改变着我对自己及身边一切：语言，文化，空间……的和认识看法。我惊奇地发现，当写东西的时候，我甚至会改变自己的思维模式来适应不同的语言。

作为一个外来者，我需要不断努力去适应一切新的事物：吃穿住行，天气，甚至空气中弥散的气味和城市中特有的颜色。而我不得不说，这并不是一件容易的事情，很多时候挫败感和失落感总是挥之不去。我想，人本能会需找与自己相似的东西，而当我们找不到的时候，那种沮丧就可想而知了。但是，正如我常说的，事情的好坏还是取决于你怎么看待它，我会建议大家试着拥抱和接受这种不舒服、不适应的感觉。很多时候，我不得不承认，我也是硬着头皮逼自己去尝试新的东西，和“陌生人”聊天，即使我已经精疲力竭。然而，我发现这其实是最有效的方法让我们战胜那恼人的孤独感。

First Entry /初见

21/3/2016

By Beautiful stranger
“Find yourself wherever you are！"

作者：美丽陌生人：
“无论身在何方，记得做自己！”

The story of Beautiful Stranger started with an unfamiliar welcome to the City of Edinburgh. I moved to the city around December, all the city was full of lights and colors, and people, it felt so alive, with a lot of movement, parties on the street, people from all over the world… It was never quiet, the streets were packed; I remember I couldn’t even walk on a decent pace. At some point it was a little overwhelming as I didn’t know anyone on the city, I was there, missing my family and friends, standing all alone surrounded by all this Christmassy gear, and cheerful people. I couldn’t feel more far from home; nonetheless I managed to spend Christmas Eve with some friends.

The city was getting less louder and less crowded just as holidays were over. It was now January the 1st of 2016, I woke up quite early and went out for a walk. Everything seemed so bright and quiet, few people on the streets, all the stores and restaurants were closed, I felt for the first time like an outsider, watching in silence the lack of movement of a hung over waking city. It felt nice for a while to contemplate the city just as it is, trying to picture myself on it.

Back to the flat, I found a little envelop waiting for me on the door step, it said: “beautiful stranger / with love” I took out from the inside a little note: “ticket for a lifetime of happiness” with a little stamp of a kitten on it. It was the best welcome note ever, from a Stranger to a Stranger. That in fact, made me realize we are all strangers, and the first thing we share is this space / this city.

However Beautiful Stranger is you, me, everyone, it has no color, no nationality, no border… it is an idea under construction, an evolving concept, a belief that we all are strangers, travelers, collectors of moments, curators of our own memories and experiences. We all have been strangers at some point in our lives and sometimes that feeling can be terrifying but at the same time an opportunity to create our own identity, our connections and relations with more strangers and our personal discovery of places.

So I invite all of you Beautiful Strangers, to discover all those new places waiting for us, new cities, new faces, and share your experiences with me in this little corner, where I will be sharing my experiences of living abroad, what I’ve learned by traveling around different countries, some of my life-hacks to survive cultural and language differences for example, also part of my rituals, recommendations, crazy thoughts... well in general my ideas and philosophies of being a Beautiful Stranger. ☞ I will finish this post here, hoping my story gives you a different perspective of being a stranger in this world.

Cheerio!

美丽陌生人的故事的源于我对爱丁堡这座城市的陌生……

大概今年12月左右的时候，我搬来爱丁堡这座美丽又陌生的城市。记得刚到的那天，我觉得整座城市灯火通明，五彩斑斓，到处是熙熙攘攘的人群，还有拥挤的圣诞集市。多么有活力的一座城市啊！站在街头，我看着来自世界各地的人们享受着这座城市的繁华与多彩，而我却感觉自己和周边的一切格格不入，无法跟上集市中人们的步伐…因为这座城市对我来讲如此陌生！我只是孤身一人，站在人来人往享受着圣诞欢乐的人群中，思念远方的家人和朋友。突然感到一种从来没有过的距离感。

总算，随着圣诞假期的结束，这座城市渐渐恢复了平静。还记得那是2016年一月一日。我醒的很早，一个人出去散步。周边的一切看上去都好刺眼，街上静的出奇。偶尔看到几个人走在街上，所有的商店，餐厅都大门紧闭。第一次，我感受到了这座城市在繁华后的静谧与安详，也是第一次我可以试着想象自己生活在这座陌生的城市中。

回到家里，无意间看到门口静静躺着一个小信封，标题写着“爱你的-美丽陌生人 ”，好奇地打开信封，里面有一张精美的小卡片，淡淡几个字写着“一张通往快乐的门票”，右上角一个小猫图案的邮戳。这对我来说真的是最棒的一份欢迎信，欢迎我来到这座城市，从一个陌生人到另一个陌生人。这也突然让我意识到，我们彼此都是陌生人，我们唯一共同的是，共生在这座华丽而陌生的城市，分享着同一片天空。

我想，美丽陌生人可以是你，是我或任何一个人，Ta没有颜色，没有国籍，没有界限……这是一种信仰：我们都是彼此的陌生人，我们一直走在路上，收集片刻美好，创造属于我们自己的记忆。也许我们都是彼此的陌生人，而陌生这个词有时候让我们觉得害怕，因为未知，但从另一个方面想，陌生也是一个机会让我们能够重建自我和自己身边的一切，认识新的“陌生人”，探索新的世界。

所以，在这里，我邀请所有的“美丽陌生人“来加入我，让我们一起探索在前方等待我们的未知和陌生，陌生的城市，陌生的面孔……欢迎你在这里分享你自己作为“美丽陌生人的“ 经验，当然我也会在这里与你分享自己的生活和旅途中的所思所想和实用攻略。希望我们能跨越国界，跨越文化地域，跨越语言，最终从未知到熟悉, 从未知到熟悉，从害怕到爱上。

----美丽陌生人
敬上

What I do as a counsellor/ Psychologist in plain English

9/11/2015

Dr. Peter Kinderman: Lead Educator and Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Liverpool.

There's a great website - http://splasho.com/upgoer5/halloffame.php - which encourages us to write about complex ideas in simple terms, using the 1000 most common words.

It's great, but challenging. I put up my ideas about what I do - clinical psychology and mental health - you can read it below, and at http://tinyurl.com/b3s5lfx

This is what I said: "I try to help people who are sad or scared.

There are all kinds of reasons why people are sad or scared, but I am interested in the things that have happened to people.

I try to work out how the things that have happened to people might have changed the way they think about themselves, think about other people, think about how the world works or what might happen next.

If some very bad things have happened to you, you will probably think that bad things will happen again. If people have hurt you in the past, you will probably be scared that it might happen again. Some people get so sad or scared that they need help. Some people get so sad or scared that it changes the way their brains work. When people are very sad or scared, they sometimes ask doctors to help them. But this doesn't really work very well, and can cause as many problems as it helps.

I try to help people by understanding why the bad things that happen to us can make us feel sad and scared. I then talk to people to try to help them understand that they can do lots of things to help themselves. Most people can find better ways to help themselves. Usually, that happens when they come to understand that they can think about the world in different ways, and that talking to other people is the best way to learn how to think in new and different ways."

Have a look, look at other people's ideas, and perhaps try your own.

Cited from: peterkinder's blog
The original title is: Things in simple language

What's new in 2015-2016

11/9/2015

As we launch our new support group services, we are no longer running the emotional support group and it will be replaced by the peer support group. Also the emotional healing workshop will be replaced by the peer support workshop.

And in the new semester there will be more topics and interesting ways to support and help you in your studies or work in the UK. So stay tuned, it is coming soon.

Furthermore, to meet our client’s requirements we have launched a new service: One-to-One peer support service. To find out more information please visit our website: http://www.welcomehomeuk.com/one-to-one-peer-support-service.html

Christmas break and 5 tips

9/12/2014

Hey everyone,

Christmas and New Year are coming in the next few weeks. I hope you have arranged everything and you are ready for a merry Christmas and happy New Year!

For the Emotional Support Group members, I am looking forward to see you next year on the 6th of January. And the good news is our Emotional Support Group 2 will be back starting from session 1 on the 7th of January, so if you missed group 1 it is a good opportunity for you to start from the beginning. You can find more information from here.

What is more if you haven’t made any plans for Christmas yet; you are very welcome to come back “Home” by joining our Christmas Eve WelcomeHome event. Let’s have a warm and merry Christmas together! You can find more information from here.

At last, here are 5 tips for WelcomeHome members:

1)       List 10 best things you have done this year and remember them;

2)       List 10 worst things you have done this year, learn from it and let them go;

3)       List 10 goals you are going to achieve next year, put it on the wall;

4)       Clean you room, buy yourself, your family and friends a small gift. Say thank you and you deserve it!

5)       Sit back, relax and enjoy a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

With best wishes,

Ziwei Wang

WelcomeHome Multi-language Support

09/12/2014

Christmas Eve WelcomeHome

Emotional Support Group

Live In The Moment

7/11/2014

Author: Hazel Lee (She graduated from the University of Edinburgh in Msc Counselling Studies. A qualified counsellor of WelcomeHome.)

Time flies at an alarming pace. Children always wish to grow up quickly and hope time would pass faster. Some people may complain they don't have enough time in the day, especially when they are facing a deadline. Some people may hope to have more time to do more things in their life. Some people feel regret that time passes too quickly and they have wasted a lot of time. There are some people that blame themselves for not spending enough time on themselves, but always on others.

One minute contains sixty seconds, which is a fact that we can not change. We can not ask for the time to pass slowly. However, we can change our attitude towards spending time. Have you realised that people are always talking about the future and the past, and they seldom talk about the moment that they are living? Some unimportant things or their environment may distract people so that they forget to enjoy the moment that they are having right now.

Good news, our new Emotional Support Group has finally launched.

31/10/2014

Good news, our new Emotional Support Group has finally launched. It is coming with the emotional healing workshops which can help you effectively deal with life’s challenges and quickly rid yourself of emotional distress in our safe, warm and open minded emotional healing workshop. It will help you deal with the loss of a relationship, pressure from study, work or anything annoying you.

What is emotional support group? Click here

What is emotional healing workshop? Click here

1. 4th November (Tuesday) 18:00-20:00:
Emotional healing workshop 1: Understand yourself and your feelings

2. 11th November (Tuesday) 18:00-20:00:
Emotional healing workshop 2: Learn to release your negative feelings